The Up and The Down

A couple of years after I joined my work place, a senior colleague of mine, received  a coveted award for his contribution to the facility. I know him well and was happy for him. A part of me just wondered, if I would receive such an award one day. I told my self to stop fantasizing. I was an underdog all through high school. Not that I had fun, I just couldn't digest things the way they were. I worked hard, had my nose in all the prescribed book, but nothing would get inside. The results got my parents worried, can't blame them though, and I felt inferior.  In college I did better. The prescribed books were far better, and most of them penned by foreign authors.
 Getting my current job was a real morale booster. And I thought thinking about the award is a little far fetched. I stopped thinking about it.
I went on about work, giving it my best. And then after 4 years, I got nominated for the award and received it four months later. I was elated. I took my wife along, for the award ceremony.
More importantly, I got back my confidence. I felt that I could achieve many things, solve a lot of problems. I worked harder with more confidence.
Coincidentally, I had to attend a Promotion Interview for promotion to the next grade.
The Interviews are conducted in the HQ. The HQ prides itself in being a premier research centre. We are not exactly a research centre. The Interview committee consists of senior officials from the HQ.
Here is something important that needs to be highlighted.
The HQ is a full fledged research centre, where the primary focus is on research. We on the other hand are supposed to have a primary focus of Production, but unfortunately our office is torn between these two fundamentally incompatible values.
I believe, that the purpose of a production centre is to get the job done. However in a Research Centre, like our HQ, emphasis is laid on assimilating knowledge, with little or no output. The primary focus of most of the people, I believe is to publish papers.
Now I had to prepare for the interview. Normally a write-up is sent for the reference of the committee. The candidate is also aware of the contents of the write-up.
Being an Instrumentation Engineer, my job description should have automation projects using PLCs etc. However due to certain managerial issues, I was restricted to Relay Logic technology only. I worked on Relays for a year and a half, thinking I would be assigned to PLCs. That didn't happen.
I guess some people were insecure and some were timid, and I was stuck in between them.
Fortunately, due a person working in a different group, I could do something that was intellectually stimulating and after completing that task I received an award.
Before the interviews, there were mock interviews and my superior told me that it would be embarrassing for him and me, if I claimed that I hadn't worked in the domain of PLC etc.
So here I was spending precious time reading about PLCs and it features, despite not working on it. I felt frustrated. I read almost everything in my writeup.
Along with a colleague who had to attend the same interview, I went to the HQ.
We were given a room, next to the rooms of PhD scholars, and Trainees. Needless to say, the rooms were dirty and extremely obnoxious. We got it changed and it was the same in other room. In addition my colleague was a snorer. Not that I can blame him for that. A night before the interview, I didn't sleep. A day before, my domain expert asked me read some complicated equations. (Domain experts are people who are supposedly experts in the domains in which I work.)
The next day, I was groggy. In the Interview, I was not at my best. On top of that, I was being interrogated and intimidated by certain panel members. There were some irrelevant questions too.
I didn't make it.
I was devastated. I didn't know what to do. I was completely demoralized.
An award winner and a loser.
I was ashamed to go back to office. How could I face people in my office ?
I somehow went to office. From the car park to my desk, I could feel a lump in my throat.
I would be constantly reminded of my failure by people who actually cared and people who just needed fodder for gossip.
And there were those, who would ask me How can an award winner fail in an Interview.
I doubted myself, if I received the award on merit or was it just a random selection.
A few days passed, I thought I should pursue higher studies in a foreign country, then decided against it.
I initiated the expansion of my project, because it would help the office and was truly motivating.
At home, I read a management book that my father suggested, ' The Effective Executive ' by Peter Drucker. There were many good points in the book. One that relates to my Interview fiasco is that performance in school is a measure of promise that a person can deliver, however it is the actual work that a person does that counts.
Keeping this in mind, I could make peace. I worked hard, I got the job done, that's why I am getting paid. But I couldn't answer some questions and couldn't show promise. But I did some awesome work on my own, which was satisfying and met the targets of the office.
But some times I do feel a pang of sad emotions.

Under one roof

When the office seems like paradise, home is like an empty well, welcome to the gateway of hell.
Soul less and mind less we fall into a trap, the trap that revolves around a fire with a guise of a new beginning. 
People wash off their hands, as it is just a mere responsibility.
Laughing faces, smiling faces, content faces, all a farce.
Illogical traveling and maudlin dramatics, that is just the tip of the ice berg.
The honks and the race, just to add salt to an open wound.
The screw and the nut, all but mis matched.
And there passes multiple hours, under the same roof, with honks and races, and curses.
And behold the weekends come, the dreaded weekends, where the only solace is a metal string with a sweet melody.
And time goes on, with the demand to produce, to make the last mistake. The last nail in the coffin of my life.
But all in vain, as the screw and nut don't make the fit.
There seems to be a a dark tunnel in front with no light at the end, and there by goes life with honks and races to remind me of hell.
Living life for others, that is not the way to go,  but alas that is exactly what we do.
No respect, no love, its an arrangement that has no fun.
So help me god, as I am going nuts.


 

A Taste of Politics

I 've heard a lot of people talk about politics in the office. I never really understood what it really meant. But after five years of working , I have come to realise its meaning in a true sense. It all started when I was assigned a project. I worked on it for a solid two and a half years. I toiled in front of the computer. During that time people discouraged me from using the technique, I was using because it seemed difficult and complicated. I finished it just recently and presented it in our annual technical seminar. After my presentation, looking at my future work, I was invited by a Director of another institute to visit a similar project of his institute.  I was happy and overjoyed.
I started working towards that project. But when it came to visiting that place, suddenly many people got interested. All of them were assigned similar projects, but they did not even complete a tenth of their job. Fine, I said to myself, as long as my project is not affected, I really don't care, if other people tag along with me.
We visited the place and gained a lot of knowledge.
After returning, I briefed my immediate superior. To my surprise, a meeting was convened at 1600 hrs with the other 3 members of the team and other people who were in my previous section (before the organizational restructuring).
Over there they were talking about a project team to be formed, the area for the new project. And all this by the person who is not at all involved in the work I did. And people who have no idea what work i have completed, are stating that my work has come to 'some shape'.
All of sudden my future project has become everyone's collective project. And I feel like I am being pushed from the driver seat on to the pavement.
It seems to me that the primary purpose of their interference in my work is climb up the ladder, sycophancy runs in their veins. I felt really miserable yesterday.
People are dictating terms to me on how I should carry out my project.
This I think is what feels like politics. Merit, Righteousness is far far away.  Definitely not in the same scale, but I felt like Steve Jobs who was fired from the company he started. But I will also remember what he said ' I still love what I do'.

Give me some Peace

Literally.
I tried a lot to avoid writing this post. Tried to convince my self otherwise. But the Truth is the Truth. The only way I can some peace of mind is to write about it. Literal peace is a long way away.
So here I am living in luxury apartment which is about 27 km from my workplace. Not only that, it is far from other 'happening' places. And this is just one of the problems that I am facing. One may ask , " Then why the hell did you buy it ?"  Well thats a long story. And added to all that, I keep having skirmishes with my wife, because I keep complaining about this 'shit hole'. Yes I am calling my house that.
It all started, when my wedding was fixed. I had to search for a house. I loved my existing 1 BHK, decent rent , peaceful, a big park in front, overlooking the hills. My parents and relatives were convinced that I had to move out of that paradise, because it didn't have two bedrooms. How could we entertain guests, relatives etc. I had two choices, To rent a house or to buy a house.
The rent rates in the good areas had gone up. In fact I asked a colleague advise about renting a house and even paid an advance, in a hurry. I didn't understand if the colleague was helping me or was trying to get popular in the neighbourhood.
In the end I ended up not taking that house, for its dungeon like characteristic. I got back the advance though. I then started to search for houses online, this time with a view of purchasing. I saw an add and went to see the house. It was located about 10 km from my previous residence. It was way far from my office and house, so I just had a look and decided that it was too far. The house was completely furnished and the quality was good too. It was situated on the top most floor.
When I discussed this with my parents and relatives, they convinced me otherwise. Maybe a part of me wanted this house too, I don't know.
But in the end I am living in a luxurious apartment which far away from just about every thing. It also overlooks a connecting main road. So no prizes to guess the amount of traffic noise i have to hear.
The problem is that people become so emotionally attached to houses that even the very notion of moving to a tolerable place makes them loose their cool.
So here I am in noisy shit hole far far away I travel 56 km every day, which is downright stupid, but what can I do ?. So Help me God!

Some Thoughts...

It has been about a month since I watched a satirical movie on blind faith in religion. I am sure you all know what movie I am referring to. For me it reinforced many things that I could never understand.
There are many incidents that seems to be ironical to the very basis of belief in God.
I went to the Chamundi hills yesterday. Needless to say it was crowded.
We stood in the queue and went along inside where I could see a lot of people folding their hands in devotion. A guard was in-charge of crowd control and he kept asking people to move ahead, in not a very polite manner.
Another enclosure, which leads to a better view of the Goddess was guarded and only certain 'privileged' people are allowed access there. I could see a man giving the guard 100 bucks to get into the enclosure.
I was shocked.  As per me a temple is an abode of righteousness and morality. How can a person blatantly bribe a guard and get in ? Isn't this against the very tenet of the teachings of God, whatever religion it be.
On the roads too, I see people driving while talking on cell phones. Two wheelers dancing on the road and four wheelers going at a phenomenally low speed.
But, when a place of religious importance is seen, they dutifully touch their hands to their four heads or some other such action. Why ?
Another example is my neighbor. Money can buy a quality house, but there are certain things money can't buy, a civilized neighbor.
That guy has hijacked the common area, with all his slippers strewn around. He keeps the door of his house open and sits half naked. His TV and woofer will be blaring loud at all times of the day. But every morning while going to lift I see him performing some kind of penance with incense sticks and a bell. I saw him today and he was draped in orange.
It seems to me as though most people think they can be as immoral as they like and expect to be absolved from all their sins by performing some rites and rituals.
It saddens me to see this every day.

Officer's Mess

I am going to describe the memorable experiences in an Army Officers' Mess. Being the son of an Army Officer,  I had quite a good grasp on table manners, I thought I did, but there were times when I went overboard. One such thing happened  an Officers' mess.
When me moved to Delhi, we spent a couple of weeks in the Mess, before getting an accommodation. The dining room in the mess had strict timings which were displayed outside.  There were many more unwritten rules. When we enter we must wish everyone there. Good morning uncle , sir blah blah. The plate would be upside down and a neatly folded napkin placed next to it. We had take the napkin and put on our lap and then turn the plate to its correct position. The glass would be placed next to it and the same had to be done with the glass.
There were forks, spoons and knives on either side of the plate. I personally love eating with my hand, but we would be looked upon by other as though we committed a crime.
Many of the people there would ask us what we were doing etc. I found some to take genuine interest, but the others it seemed were just faking it. A part of the protocol I suppose.
I remember one incident where I took a bread toast and tried eating it with a knife and fork.
I somehow managed to fold the toast into half picked it with my fork and thrust in into my mouth.
The bread behaved like a spring and the moment i pulled out the fork it opened up. Half the toast in my mouth and the other half outside. The little girl in front of me looked amused, as I embarrassingly pulled out the toast from my mouth.
Once during lunch, as I went to the dining hall, I saw some guys enjoying their meal with their hands. As I sat down after customary greetings, I found out that these guys were civilians who were here for some official purpose. I was most comfortable and relaxed while having food with them.
During dinner, I was once served bread, and the pudding that is normally served after dinner was served before. I just applied butter on the bread and consumed it. Later when I tasted the salty ' pudding', I realised it was Russian salad. No wonder the people sitting in front of looked amused.
I never felt comfortable eating the mess.
Soon we got our accommodation and I didn't have to eat in the mess again.

In the Company of Leeches - My Second Trek

In the month of October, my work place organized another trek. I was one of first to register. We trekked in the Aralam Wildlife sanctuary, in the Kannur district, near Irrity in the state of Kerala. It was a monsoon trek, and there were lots of incidents that I'll remember.
We started on a pleasant Saturday Morning, 41 of us including 4 ladies and our guide. The Trek was flagged of by the head of our organization.
We left Mysore at around 8 in the morning. We went via Virajpet. On the way we halted for breakfast, Idily, vada sambar, chutney and something else that was sweet , can't recollect the name. It was delicious. We crossed into Kerala by around 1300hrs and we had Lunch. We then continued with our Journey and reached Aralam Wildlife Sanctuary by around 1600hrs. It was drizzling.
A lot of people were talking about Leeches. I've heard of them, only when someone describes someone else. But now I think I have to take the literal meaning.
We took a walk to the bank of the river nearby and the path, it seem had leeches. I was wearing my trekking shoes and a pant and a raincoat. I didn't think a leech could cross all those lines of defense. But when we reached, I just casually lifted my pant a bit, to my shock there were three black things just above my sock. I was now donating blood to the nature. I tried yanking them off, but they wouldn't budge. Then a veteran trekker taught me to remove them by their suckers and then roll and toss them. I was now on the lookout, I kept looking down and walking. When I reached the dormitory, our abode for the night, I changed. On the table I saw a packet of salt. It seems that leeches don't take salt. In fact they seem to burst when in contact with salt. While I was just sitting and talking with my friends, one of them pointed out that there were not one but two leeches sucking blood from between my toes. Then the salt experiment was carried out and the leeches were killed and some blood saved and some sprayed.
The night I slept well, though initially I had a fear of leeches coming for a midnight snack.
The next morning, someone suggested that I wear shorts. The reason being that leeches can at least be seen climbing the leg. So I decided that I wear shorts.
It was a 14 km uphill trek to a waterfall.
We also rubbed some solution, a concoction of some jungle friendly anti leech elements. Unfortunately it didn't work for me.
After about 2km, I yanked a leech from the back of my knee. As I kept walking I saw that many leeches were waiting on the leaves on the ground in vertical position to jump onto our shoes. While I trekked I kept removing  Leeches from my shoes, before they get get to flesh using small twigs.
I noticed that while I stop at a place to remove two or three leeches, another 3 would climb up.
After dusting of leeches and walking for about 8 Km the gradient became steep. To make matters worse, it was humid and my DSLR was also heavy. After a while it started to rain. I took out my raincoat, I was now sweating inside.
After a while I didn't bother about the leeches, I was too tired.
We finally reached the top and then we could see the mesmerizing waterfall.
We had lunch there, and then we went back to the base camp in jeeps. The jeeps had a lot of leeches too. One bit my neck, one bit my elbow. Before things got worse we reached the dormitory.
I took a bath in the river nearby, another first for me.
We then headed for Mysore, I reached home at around 1 in the morning.
I had a very good time and now I can say that I can take on leeches (real ones) anywhere.